


a Bastard and a Criminal

by dorocak



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: AU, Kaz-Typical violence, Minor Character Death, Other, Post-Crooked Kingdom, and most probably also post-Discworld, if anything gets lost in the Crow Club it's in the posession of Nobby Nobbs, since young Sam is nine years old or so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-16 07:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13631559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorocak/pseuds/dorocak
Summary: When the Ketterdam standwatch fails to do its job, the head of the Tide Council requests help from a sister city as a payback for managing their taxes. Despite being in a completely different dimension, the Big Wahoonie obliges this request and sends its best police officer to deal with the criminals in the city. Little does the Council realize that it means all of them.... is a crappy and unfaithful summary.Simply put: worlds of Ankh-Morpork and Ketterdam collide and the rule of narrative causality has it that the characters of these two worlds just bump into each other.





	1. the bastard and the criminal

**Author's Note:**

> Fell free but not obliged to read and review.

Heavy fog  flooded  the streets of Ketterdam turning them into unwelcoming maze. The statue of Saint Gezhem, half covered in fog  looked like it was drowning in polluted water and only the peaks of the tallest buildings sticked out like rusty nails, ready to hurt any god that would dare to reach out to the city.

Kaz’s cane rhythmically clicked against the paving stones as he marched down the street. If, there was anyone brave or stupid enough to approach him at this early hour, he would notice the scheming expression on his face.

To conclude, the evening at van Eck’s mansion had been pleasant and _eventful._

The whole event had the atmosphere of a strategic meeting - which it technically was. Wylan had invited all the important figures of the city to an opulent banquet (although Kaz had a distinct feeling that most of the overdecoration was Jesper’s doing) and almost none of them seemed to decline the invitation. Kaz had come too of course. He wasn’t just a petty criminal anymore - in a year and a half he had become one of the wealthiest and most influential men in the city (not that it removed his status of a criminal). If he hadn’t attended, some of the merchants could get a wrong message.

A drunk couple passed Kaz, singing merrily.

In the end, the only one who hadn’t come was the new captain of the city guards. His wife had apologized in his stead, saying he was overwhelmed with work and that he sent his best regards, but Kaz noticed the deadly glares she was throwing at the guard assigned to her for the night as if it had been his fault.

After the dinner and a few seemingly polite conversations with various merchants,  Kaz approached her.

Lady Sybil was a monumental woman in both her body and soul. She possessed an optimistic and carelessly civil aura typical to the social class that doesn’t struggle  to pay the rent. When Kaz inquired about the background she and the new members of city guards had come from,  she spoke to him with a fondness unusual for someone who came into contact with him. She even called him a “nice young gentleman”.

After an hour long conversation,  Kaz came to two conclusions. Either was this woman more insane than Wylan’s mother or the city which Lady Sybil had come from was in a magic land filled with trolls, goblins, dwarves,  golems and dragons (“They are absolutely adorable creatures, but unfortunately,people tend to throw them away as soon as the grow too big, those poor things.”).  Considering the way some of the new assets to the city guards who had come with captain Vimes looked like, Kaz was surprisingly inclined to believe the second option.

The evening took a quick turn when Jesper made an enthusiastic decision to show his guns to young Sam,  the son of Lady Sybil. As soon as  the boy touched one of the weapons, one of his guards snatched it from his hands and threatened Jesper never to give such a _thing_ to a child. For a moment it looked like there would be a fight between the foreign officer and hot-headed gunslinger, until lady Sybil stepped in. One disapproving glance from her was enough for both Jesper and the guard to apologize and shake each other hands.

After that, the evening continued calmly, and only Kaz seemed to notice that the troublesome guard had disappeared before the evening was over.

Kaz crossed the street and stopped for a short rest next to a stone pillar shaped like a man. It started drizzling.

“Do you have matches?” his shadow asked.

A knife in Kaz’s hand stopped mere inch from the intruder’s throat.

“Slow down, Brekker,“ the man in the shadow pushed the blade away. “I didn't know smoking is punishable by death in this city.”

Kaz stepped back. He couldn’t seem the man’s face but the uniform od the standwatch spoke for itself.

“What business?” he asked.

The officer lifted a hand with an unlit cigarette.

“Right now, just those matches.”

The knife vanished from Kaz’s fingers and was replaced with a match box.

The officer took the matches and lit the cigarette. His face got illuminated for a second and Kaz recognized the face of the troublesome guard.

The man inhaled and puffed out a cloud of smoke.

“Very bad habit,  these cigarettes, believe me, ” he grinned at Kaz.

Then as if he was in  his office,  he pulled out a pile of envelopes from his pocket and started going through them. At last he pulled out one and handed to Kaz.

“Those damn pigeons messed up the address again. I believe this is yours. “

“We use crows, not pigeons, “ Kaz noted matter-of-factly as he took the envelope. The seal of the pirate ship Wraith was untouched - which of course, didn’t mean anything.  “They are far more reliable.”

“Well, that explains why the Watch’s buzzard was so beaten up.”

Kaz hid the letter in his vest.

“So your boss has sent you after me just to return my “lost” correspondence?”

“Why not?” the guard’s expression put the stone statue next to him into shame.

“I don’t see why would duke of Ankh and a man who killed seventeen people and a puppy in a single night,” for some reason Kaz’s informator had put a lot of emphasis on that puppy part, “ send one of his men just for me to retrieve some _trifling_ letter.”

Instead of an answer, the guard shrugged and stepped out from the shadow.

“Well, since this is your hometown why won’t you show this old officer around a bit?”

Corners of Kaz’s lips turned up.

“You should know, every favour around here comes with a price.”

The guard snickered.

“Just like Ankh-Morpork.”

“So what’s your price?” the guard asked when they passed down the street. Kaz gave him a sidelong glance. The man was walking with his eyes closed, almost lazily humping from foot to foot. That recklessness ticked the young criminal off.

“I would like if the guards stopped messing around my territory.”

“Your territory is a hellhole full of criminals.”

“And yet there are criminal records,” Kaz replied.

“Where’s a policeman, there’s crime, Brekker.”

“Then is would be for the best to remove all the police forces from the city,” Kaz didn’t let go off the topic. “And your head officer can start with the Barrel. The visits like the one this morning are not welcome there.”

The guard looked at him with surprise.

“Really? Of all the officers that could have paid you a visit, you get Nobby Nobbs and you complain?”

“The problem is,” Kaz pointed out calmly,” that presence of a policeman dumps the morale of my people.”

The guard sniffed.

“Presence of Nobby Nobbs dumps the morale of the city guards as well. But we learnt how to deal with it. You can too.”

They passed the cemetery. Even after year and a half, the remains of  tombstones were still scattered around the burnt ground.

“Look, the worst Nobby Nobbs can do to you is to steal a few coins, maybe some fancy looking jewellery,” the guard sighed. “By all small gods, most of the gangs in the Shades would be glad if it’s Nobby who makes the _visit_.”

The guard put the cigarette behind his ear.

“If captain Vimes _wanted_ to destroy you he would have sent Sergeant Detritus or captain Carrots.”

He went silent for a moment and then added.

“Or Lance-Constable A.E. Pessimal. Yeah, that would work.”

“And you should know better than anyone else what Vimes wants or doesn’t want, it’s that right, _Commander_?” Kaz asked.

Sam Vimes grinned.

“Ouch, do you think anyone else noticed?”

“Hard to tell,” Kaz replied as they passed an old beggar. “But I have to say, your wife has a very interesting habit of glaring at you even when you are not supposed to be in the room. And you have the a really bad habit of watching over your son too intensively.”

He turned to the Captain Vimes.

“Let me give you advice, Commander. It’s most probably the first and the last free advice you get in this city. Don’t spend too much time staring at what’s close to you, unless you want to lose it.”

The man who  had slaughtered dwarves left and right while shouting “Where’s my little cow?” on top of his lungs, because it was six o’clock and that meant the story time for his son, looked straight back at the young criminal.

“Why should I take advice from a lowly criminal like you?” he asked with undisguised disrespect.

Kaz returned the glare.

“You said it yourself. This is my hometown. And I know it won’t allow any knight in shining armour to mend its ways. _I_ won’t allow it,”he whispered.

“This city is mine. You can try to tame it, but I’m its real master, keep that in mind, _Duke of Ankh_.”

Then the officershoved him to the ground.

Kaz landed on the pavement, the officer above him. An arrow clang against the pavement next to his head. Before another one found its target, Captain Vimes leapt on his feet and dragged Kaz behind and abandoned cart in the middle of the street.

“Some friends of yours?” the officer commented while another two arrows hit the wood.

“I would say, this one’s after you,” Kaz retorted. “Our people don’t use crossbows much.”

“Hey Vimes, get out of there!” a voice shouted confirming Kaz’s assumptions.

The officer peeked over the corner. There were five men - no now six, the archer from before leapt form the roof and joined them. Pretty stupid.

“Well, this doesn’t look like the Assassins’ guild,” he muttered under his breath as he was trying to figure out who he had pissed off most recently.

“You have Assassins’ guild,” Kaz deadpanned.He should have been surprised, but his only rational thought was: _“Why wasn’t I informed?”._

Vimes grimaced.

“And they are all assholes, I guarantee that.”

“Both of you - put your hands up. Now,” a voice hissed behind them and Vimes felt blade pressing against tape of his neck.

Seven it is then.

 _Thud_ _!_

Oh, nevermind, just six again.

“What are you doing there, Snifel?” one of the thugs - the tallest one, who apparently thought his height makes him the leader - shouted.

A movement came from behind the cart, but instead of Snifel the officer and the criminal walked from behind the cart.

“There you are,” one of the thugs cracked a smile and uncovered set of yellowish teeth.

“Tell me gentlemen,” captain Vimes asked nonchalantly, “Do you happen to be acquaintanced with Marquis of Fantailler rules?”

The thugs laughed.

“Never heard of him. Is he your friend?” a bony man in a coat far to big for teased.

Corners of Vimes’ mouth lifted. It wasn’t a smile though.

“Just making sure.”

Then he turned around and started running down the street.

“After him!” the boss shouted and three man sprang after the captain.

 _“Why can’t they be stupid enough to attack one at a time!?”_ Vimes thought when he abruptly came to a halt.

The thug that was the closest to him wanted to stop, but his colleague pushed him from behind and the power of momentum sent him straight against Vimes’ knee. As the man fell down, Vimes jumped over him and hit the guy behind him in the face.

An arrow hit his helmet. Before the archer had a chance no aim again, however, a knife pierced through his hand and another sliced his neck.

Kaz pulled out his weapons just in time dodge attack of the thin guy in the big coat. He kicked him into the nose, but then another henchman stood above him ready to charge.

The big boss huffed and attacked Vimes, who was busy with the third thug. Before the officer could react, the pushed him against the wall, crushing his windpipe.

A sharp shriek came from behind. The big guy turned his attention to the source and loosened his grasp. Vimes seized the opportunity to slip from the man's fingers and swung his own hand around the man’s neck, choking him in return.

The source of that shriek was a man who tried to attack Kaz with a billy and was now bent over with pain, clutching what was left of his ear. Kaz didn’t have time to finish him off though, as the thin guy attacked again, pulling out a blade of his own. Kaz managed deflect the rusty knife, wondering how irate would Inej be, if she saw how mistreated the weapon was, when the newly one eared guy hit him over the head.

The world turned red for Kaz for a moment. He could hear Vimes fighting in the distance. It sounded like he was winning against the big guy, but there were still at least two left.

The thin man raised the knife but he didn’t have chance to finish his move, as Kaz smashed him with the cane and turned his own blade against himself. The man felt silent.

Kaz Brekker stood up. Another man attacked shoutung like a lunatic, but he brought him down almost immediately. This was his city. He won’t let these bastards to bring him down. Another attack, as noisy as the one before. Kaz whirled using his cane to break the guy’s nose and then a knife to finish him. Another man approached him from the back. Kaz laughed and whirled around.

His blade scratched Vimes face. The policeman acted on instinct. He kicked Kaz into his limp leg. The younger man cried in pain. The next move pinned him to the ground.

“That’s the second time, you’ve tried to kill me and the day is just starting, Mr Brekker,” Vimes panted.”And I’m pretty sure attacking a government officer is illegal even in this godforsaken city.”

Kaz groaned in pain as the other man twisted his right hand behind his back.

“Do you know how the word policeman came to be, Brekker?” Vimes forced him to stand up.” I came from Quirm word _polis_ which mean a city. You may claim this city to be your territory,  but so is any city to me.”

He let go of Kaz and shoved him.  That was mistake.

“I’m afraid,  that is not true,”  the criminal turned at Vimes , a small pistol in hand.

”I saw how you and your men look at guns. How you reacted when your boy took Jesper’s pistol into his hands.  Your world doesn’t know them. _You_ don’t trust them. But trust _me_ when I say bullets travel fast.”

Vimes didn’t even flinch.

“No, you won’t kill me. Not know.”

Kaz leaned on his cane. His leg still throbbed from that kick but he managed to push the pain aside.

“What makes you so sure of that?”

“Cause I spend my life chasing bastards just like you. I also happen to work for one.”

Vimes sat on the cart.

“You would go after my family and my friends, but you won’t hurt me, not until the very end,” his face darkened. “And than would be your greatest mistake.”

“I have to disappoint you, captain,” Kaz aimed at  Vimes enjoying the moment when captain’s eyes widened. ”I’m not going to do something _that_ stupid.”

“It’s nothing personal from my side,” he said and pulled the trigger.

The bullet hit the wall just above Vimes’ head and when the policeman looked back, Kaz Brekker was already gone.

“What a pity,” Vimes scoffed into the empty air. “Cause I hate your guts, you bastard.”

“ _You can still chase after him. You are faster than him, after all. I can help you”_ the Guarding Dark offered.

Vimes was silent for a moment staring down the alley where the leader of Dregs vanished.

“Last week,  we chased down one slaver,” he spoke up.” He had  sold slaves to whorehouses. When we found him,  his fingers were smashed into pieces and he was castrated. He didn’t seem too bothered by it, though. On the other hand, it was hard to tell since he lacked half of his head as well.”

He stared at one of the thugs Kaz had killed. Clean cut through the neck, the man hadn’t had a chance.

“You know how Nobby nicknamed him? _Young Vetinari._ It’s only a matter of time before he would create his own version of Assassins’ and Thieves’ Guilts and have this entire town pay him for protection.”

Vimes managed to stand up.

“But I would rather go to hell than to be this kid’s terrier.”

He pulled a yellow-black striped tape out of his pocket and enclosed the street on both ends.

Then he pulled out another cigarette, but realized he didn’t have matches so he put it back to the pocket, cursing and headed back to the office of the city guard.

“ _What was in that letter?_ ” the Guarding Dark inquired.

“I don’t know,” Vimes shrugged. “But judging from the way Littlebottom blushed and the  Fred knowingly shook his head when they read it, I guess nothing important.”

“ _You are such a joykiller, Mr Blackboard Monitor._ ”

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

As soon as Captain Vimes vanished behind the corner, two tall black and white figures appeared between two tapes marking the crime scene. They stared at each other for a moment when the female giggled.

“ _MY MOST PROFOUND APOLOGIES, DARLING. FORCE OF HABIT._ ”

The other figure, technically male (which would be hard to guess unless you are an expert in human skeletal anatomy), shook his head.

“IT’S ALRIGHT. IT PERPLEXED ME TO.”

He swung his scythe and nine souls appeared in the air. Then he looked back at his female coworker and smiled awkwardly - or more like his eternal grin became more awkward.

“I FINISH IT HERE - UNLESS YOU WANT TO. AND IF YOU ARE FREE, UHM, MAYBE SOME CURRY LATER?”

The woman smiled.

“ _I WOULD LOVE TO._ ”

* * *

And back in the Crow Club:

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This image (which you may or may not see, bcs a)my computer likes to sabotage me or b) I'm a klutz when it comes to computers) is the work of Monica_Tailor, not only drew it but also who also agreed to re-read, comment and correct the text above. (If you find some mistakes, it's most probably because of changes I made after she'd sent be back the corrected version).  
> The pic is lovely and thank you again, M!


	2. pirate meets police forces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, great thanks to people who commented on the first part! (and sorry for not replying personally, I'm just an extremely awkward human being with close to no understanding of good manners, I'll work on that though) I also - hopefully - fixed the picture in the first chapter.  
> I didn't intend to do another, but that's my brain for ya. It's not a direct continuation of the first chapter, but it's set in the same AU as the previous one, only a few months later.

Inej stood on the front deck, letting the cold sea wind brush against her skin. Sometimes, she wondered how she had ever managed to live without the sea. The waves crashing against the ship, the salty taste of the air, the thrill of a fight when they encountered a slave ship.

She closed her eyes for a brief moment but opened them as soon as she heard steps approaching her.

“What is it, Todd?” she asked the red-haired sailor behind her back.

“Just that we’ll reach the harbor in an hour, m’lady,” he informed her. He didn’t really have to tell her, but that was the old Todd for you - always treating her like a royal advisor would treat a princess. And he was the only one Inej would allow to act like this towards her. She knew why he had become a pirate - and it was a sad story, much like her own.

Inej glanced over the deck. The majority of her pirates were running around, getting ready for the moment they’d leave the ship.

“We’ll go about it as usual,” she said at last, “ But tell others to be careful. There's a new City Watch in Ketterdam. I got and info they’re sharper and harder to bribe than the previous ones.”

Todd nodded. Inej could see the smirk in his eyes when she said the thing about the info, but she didn’t have the energy to argue that it wasn’t like that. Instead, she turned around and walked down to her cabin. She had to finish packing her things, she told to herself.

However, as soon as the doors closed behind her,  she fell on her bed face first. Oh saints, she was so tired. For the last few nights, she didn’t sleep much. She was used to having nightmares, spirits of her tortures and victims haunting her altogether. These dreams were different though. When she woke up, there wasn’t cold sweat running down her face but tears. She cried but didn’t know why. Maybe, it was due to a long time at sea.

She rolled on the side.

A year at sea, if she didn’t count smaller breaks to take on more supplies and return the former slaves back to their homeland. Inej didn’t regret a minute. They captured at least a dozen slave ships,  freed hundreds of people. But, as the year progressed, there were less and less of those for some reason. Maybe slavers finally understood that messing with the Wraith wasn’t worth it. Inej sat up. A whole year... Many things must have changed back home.

She smiled for herself. Who would have thought she would consider returning to Ketterdam as returning home? No, she shook her head. Ketterdam was not the home she was returning to. She was returning to Wylan and Jesper, Dregs and - and to Kaz, whether he liked it or not.

  


She reached into one of her bags and pulled out a bunch of letters tied carefully with a red ribbon she got from one of the Grisha slaves she had freed. A year… That meant about five letters from Nina (she suspected there were more, but the postal office didn’t work quite well at sea), a few from Wylan and Jesper (those were a nice surprise), several from her parents and a dozen from Kaz. And, oh yes…

She carefully undid the ribbon and pulled out one letter that was not quite like the others. She wasn’t sure who had written it. It had been in an envelope along with the most recent letter from Kaz. Someone made an effort to imitate his handwriting - it was a rather good imitation she had to admit - and write a sort of love poem? It wasn’t bad actually, but it was odd at the best. A lot of descriptions of precious stones and metals. That sounded _a bit_ like Kaz with his obsession over wealth, however, Kaz didn't write poems.

Inej sighed and put the letter between the others. She’s going to ask Kaz. Or maybe not. He might not know who did that. She scoffed at herself. No, Kaz would know for sure. On the other hand, the person who had written it seemed nice htough a bit naive, and she wouldn’t want them to get hurt unnecessarily.

She put the letters back to the bag and closed her eyes drifting into light sleep.

  


The city of Ketterdam welcomed her with its typical mixture of odors she could smell from miles away. Salt, and fish, rotten wood, and rotten people. Only a little changed. And yet, there was this odd atmosphere that wrapped around the ship as soon as they docked.

Inej disbanded the crew for the day, but she herself stayed standing on the deck for while carefully scanning the crowd around her. Something wasn’t right. Everyone seemed just that bit more quiet, that bit more… anxious. It reminded Inej of people in Fjerdan villages right before a public burning was about to take place. As if everyone knew something terrible was going to happen, but they knew it wasn’t going to happen to them. She felt a shiver running down her spine. What was worse, she didn’t see Kaz or Jesper and Wylan around. Normally, one of them  would be there to greet her.

She sighed and jumped off the ledge, gracefully landing on a large rock on the end of the pier.

She looked around again. As matter of fact, she didn’t see any Dregs either…

Something in the crowd caught her attention, but before she could take a better look the rock underneath her shook. Inej jerked and jumped down next to it before she could fall in the cold water.

The rock slowly turned around and Inej realized she was staring into a stony, but  more-less humanoid male face.

“The captain of this ship…” the rock asked  and slowly pointed at Wraith, “It is you?”

Inej felt a chill running down her spine. This creature knew who she was.

“Yes, It’s me,” she nodded and her muscles tensed. He was strong, but also slow. If he wanted to do anything to her, she could just run away. How much would that help her though? This thing knew which ship was hers and most probably also who belonged to her crew.

“Inej!” a familiar voice cut through the tense atmosphere. Inej turned around. The tall Zemeni in a bright yellow coat was waving at her, making his way through the crowd. Inej would feel relieved to see a familiar face, but right beside him, there was another man in the uniform of the City Watch. He was tall - definitely taller than Jesper and muscular and handsome like a hero from a children story. He had bright red hair and a face that for some obscure reason reminded Inej of her Saints. Before she could ponder on the idea, the Zemeni and the Guard approached her and the rock.

“Hi, Inej!!! I missed you!” Jesper pulled her into a rib-breaking hug.

"Yeah, me too," Inej let the Zemeni kiss her on both cheeks,  still having the red-haired princely looking guard in the corner of her vision.

From up close, she could see that Jesper wasn’t fine. Somehow, he managed to keep smiling, but his eyes looked tired and worried.

“Is something wrong, Jesper?” she asked.

_And who the hell are these people?_

Jesper shook his head.

“Nothing, girl! Huf, this place is noisy!” he said a bit too loudly and a bit too cheerfully.

“Let’s talk somewhere more private. This is my new acquaintance Captain Carrot, by the way. I assume you already know Sergeant Gabbro.”

“A pleasure to finally meet you in person, Miss Ghafa,” the redhead smiled and bowed slightly, “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Really? From whom?” Inej inquired feeling heat creeping up her cheeks.

“Oh, I would like to tell, but I’ve promised certain people to keep their secret,” he answered plainly. Saints, how could he be so… knightly?

Inej avoided his gaze, turning to Jesper. _Since when was he this chummy with the City Watch?_

“Jesper, is this some sort of a trick-"

“No, it’s not,” the boy replied in a tone that indicated anything but that.

“You don’t look okay.”

“That’s because I’m not!” Jasper dropped the happy facade for a moment. Then he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Sorry, I’ve just seen some weird shit recently. Don’t worry, though, nothing serious!” Jesper regained his happy demeanor and was already dragging her away from the docks into a more narrow and private alley, Captain Carrots following them. The rock man stayed outside - the space was too small for him.

As soon as they were inside, Jesper dropped his act.

“Alright, it is kinda serious.”

“What kind of serious?”

Jesper took a deep breath and then finally dropped the bomb.

“Kaz’s in jail.”

Inej froze. No, this must be a scam, her mind protested. There ’s no _way_ Kaz would be in prison - not against his will, at the very least.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Don’t worry Miss Inej, ”Captain Carrot tried to soothe her down. She had to admit, it kinda worked - and that irritated her.

“Unfortunately, your friend, Mr. Brekker, seems to be entangled in a complicated case," he continued," We just took him to our station to ask him a few questions.”

Inej threw a sidelong glance at Jesper. Well, that didn’t sound suspicious at all.

“And what do you want from me then?” she asked Captain Carrot.

“Excuse me. We would like to ask you a few questions as well,” the Captain replied calmly. Inej looked up to his face, then back at the moving rock in front of the alley exit. Then back at Jesper. He seemed to trust them. Nevertheless, as much as she loved Jesper, she knew he had a tendency to trust the wrong kind of people. But he wouldn’t be so dumb… In the end, she decided to trust her gut, and her instincts told her to go. It was safer to play the game, for now, to see what happens.

“Alright officer,” she looked him straight in the eye (trying to ignore how perfect they were), “let’s go.”

 

The walk to the headquarters of the City Watch much shorter than Inej anticipated. Captain Carrot moved in the city like he was born there. As if he knew every side alley, every shortcut - even some Inej herself didn’t know of. It made her a bit jealous. How long had the next Watchmen been in the city? Three months? Half a year? Still, the tall (handsome) captain was strolling through the city with ease of a native, friendly conversing with her and Jesper along the way. _Wylan must be jealous of him_ , Inej thought unwittingly as she watched him and Jesper joking. She would prefer to just trail a few steps behind them,  but the officer didn’t let her, always noticing her and asking questions. It was unsettling how charming he managed to be while doing so. 

When they finally stood in front of the building belonging to the City Watch, Inej felt as her stomach twisted. She hadn’t set foot in this place for… how long? Not since Kaz had once sent her to acquire some blackmail material for him. So, maybe three years or even more. She had never wished to walk in again - at least not under this kind of circumstances.

The interior seemed far messier than when she had seen it the last time. It was mainly due to the mountains of papers piling up everywhere.  The tables were basically buried under stacks and stacks of different documents, envelopes, and paper wrappings with leftover food. People were rushing around, shouting, complaining, laughing, and arguing. It was so lively it looked almost... staged.

They walked across the buzzing room towards the doors in the back of the room. Inej could feel some of the officers stopping and looking at her. Was it because of her attire? Though she kept her wardrobe simple and plain, it was obvious she wore clothing suitable for a captain of a ship, not a girl from the town. Or was it that everyone had already heard of her? Had it been Inej from two years ago, she would have tried to hide and become invisible. Now she only raised her head higher. She wasn’t a street rat, she was a pirate captain, after all.

Behind the door to which Captain Carrot had led them was a small office only marginally less stuffed with paper than the previous one. Behind the desk sat a short Guard with a braided beard and what Inej could only assume was make-up.

“Hi, Carrot!” the petite dwarfess stood up, revealing she was also wearing a leather skirt and high heel boots.

“Hello, Mr. Fahey. And you must be Miss Ghafa,” the Guards face lit up as she offered Inej her right hand.

“I’m so delighted to meet you in person! My name is Sergeant Cheery Littlebottom.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Inej managed to get out along with a handshake. A quick sidelong glance at Jesper showed he was enjoying himself immensely.

Another glance showed her a bunch of sheets of paper covered with a particular kind of handwriting.

“Ehm, where’s Commander Elanius?” Captain Carrot intervened politely.

“He should be down. I can bring Miss Ghafa to him,” Sergeant Littlebottom offered. “You should go talk to Angua. She needs something to discuss with you.”

Carrot shook his head.

“No I’ll rather-”

“Thank you,” the dwarfess stopped him before he could argue and opened the door.

“This way, Miss Ghafa. Mr. Fahey too.”

Two former crows looked at each other, then at the door. _Down there_ must have meant prison cells.

“Oh, don’t worry, Commander Vimes doesn’t bite,” Sergeant Littlebottom told them.

“It would be just a brief talk. Besides, I suppose you want to meet with your b - your friend I mean, Mr. Brekker.”

Inej noticed the dwarfess’ ears reddened, as she said that. Oh, so that's where the letter had come from. She bit a sharp remark and followed the Sergeant out of the room.

“What do you even want to hear from us?” Inej asked as they were descending to the basement. On their way, they had met two really weird Guards, who gawked at Inej like she was a goddess. It didn’t make her feel more comfortable, even when they were introduced to her. They knew her - obviously. It seemed everyone did.

“Honestly, I think the Commander just wants to make sure about a few things regarding Mr. Brekker. He makes a lot of stuff up and it’s hard to say when he’s lying and when he's not,” Sergeant replied.

Inej cringed.

“Not sure if I can help you with that.”

Sergeant Littlebottom looked like she was about to protest, but her ears reddened again, and she quickly changed the subject.

“Besides, the Assassins Guild has already written up a reward on your head. It seems some of Ketterdam higher ups have already discovered their services,” Cherry explained. “You look like someone capable of handling herself, but I don’t think Mr. Brekker would have forgiven us if something had happened to you, while he was here.”

Inej eyes met Jespers in surprise. _There was an Assassins’ Guild?_ And her next thought was: _Kaz must be going crazy from that idea._

They entered a long corridor lined with cells. All of them were empty, but from the far end on the corridor, Inej could hear quiet talk, from time to time interrupted with a clicking of wood against wood.

In front of the last cel sat a man sleeping with his arms crossed. He was neatly shaved, and he wore the Guard's uniform, but his scarred and brooding face made him look like he was the one who belonged behind the bars, and not the two gentlemen in black who seemed to be playing chess in the last cell.

Kaz was so engrossed in the game, he didn’t notice them at first. Only when Sergeant Littlebottom saluted to the scarred Guard, he lifted his eyes.

“Inej?” he asked, his expression changing only for the briefest millisecond. Surprise, confusion, understanding, anger.

Inej sighed. She really hoped for their meeting to be calmer.

“Hi Kaz,” she waved to him.

Kaz ignored her, turning his glare at Jesper.

“Jesper, you _idiot_. I told him to tell you I was busy, not bring you here,” he said, more tired than annoyed.

“Calm down, Mr. Brekker. We agreed to play just one match and that is just about to end - as soon as I figure out the right combination,” said his companion as he slowly lifted his gaze from the game to the newcomers.

If Inej didn’t know better she would have thought this man was Kaz’s clone. They were both tall and thin, sharp as knives, dressed in black, theatrically stylish outfits, and when the man’s eyes looked into Inej’s she could see the same carnivorous hunger for power, the same tactical mind that she normally observed in Kaz’s sight.

“Oh,  you must be Captain Ghafa,” the man said after he observed her head to toe and respectfully bowed his head .”I’ve heard much about you.”

“I’ve heard that a lot today,” Inej replied drily. He did look like the older version of Kaz, but there was something different about him. He appeared much more balanced, much less grievous and self-loathing. He wasn’t wearing gloves either.

“Is that so,” a shadow of a smile crossed the man’s face.” Be so kind and help me here, Miss Ghafa. This is the first time I’ve played this peculiar version of this game and I’m struggling on how to end it.”

 _And he enjoys the same annoying mind games as Kaz,_ Inej added to her list.

“If you don’t know how to play, you shouldn’t have played,” she replied, nevertheless, she looked down on the black and white board.

She didn’t play chess often, but it seemed to her like a pretty even match. One of the players would have to make a fatal mistake for this game to end soon - if ever.

Her reply got rewarded with a burst of laughter from the seemingly sleeping guard. The older man in the cell cracked a hint of a smile too.

“Well, then,” his spider-like fingers ghosted above the board and then picked one white figure and moved it forward.

“Check-mate, Mr. Brekker.”

Kaz glanced at the board and a grin slowly spread on his face. Inej couldn’t tell if it was a happy or an upset grin.

“I’m afraid you’ve just checkmated yourself.”

Lord Vetinari tilted his head in feigned surprise.

“Would you look at that. Either way, this means our meeting is over,” he concluded with ice-cold serenity and walked towards the cell doors.

“It was a good match Mr. Brekker. Unfortunately, now I have other duties to attend,” he noted, as he opened the cell door, which apparently hadn’t been as much as locked.

“Wait, Vetinari!” Kaz spurted out. “We haven’t finished talking. What about the clock towers?”

Lord Vetinari stopped and looked at the young man.

“As much as I would like to dispute this with you, that field falls under Miss Adora Dearheart.” A small glimpse of amused sadism flinched in Vetinari’s eyes as he said it.

”I can tell her you asked, however. She’ll be surely _thrilled_ to form a new contract with a man of your format."

He turned to Inej and took her hand.

"I hope we meet soon, Miss Ghafa."

He kissed Inej's hand and straightened up,  looking around the room.

" Sir Vimes, I expect your report to be on my table tomorrow morning. I wish you all a pleasant day.”

And with that, he was gone.

The seemingly sleeping Guard scoffed and stood up. Inej blinked. So this was the famed Vimes Kaz had mentioned in his letters. The man ran a hand through his face and glared at the trio of young criminals and then back at the Sergeant with an almost betrayed expression.

"Cheery, what the hell were you thinking to bring them here?”

“Sir Vetinari’s orders, Sir,” the dwarfess replied with no sense of shame in her voice.

Vimes rolled his eyes.

“Speaking of that, make sure he doesn’t go around unsupervised.”

He looked at the trio and grinned.

“The last thing we need is the Patrician killing or getting killed in a foreign land. Miss Ghafa, " he addressed the girl. " I need you to come with me and answer a few questions. Cherry, take the gentlemen outside. And make sure they don’t kill anyone either.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not possess the mind that could come up with the sort of dialogue Kaz and Vetinari would have. I wish I did.  
> As you can imagine, Kaz's arrest wasn't real - as much as Vimes would like it to be - but staged in order for him and Vetinari to meet without rude interruptions of assassins.  
> Vetinari was originally the one, who told Carrot to inform Jesper and Inej about Kaz, basically, just so he can mess with him a bit and exploit his weaknesses.
> 
> The weird letter Inej got was a brainchild of Fred Colon, Cherry, and another dwarf guard - it is a bit OOC for them to mess with Kaz and Inej's personal affairs, but I just liked the idea too much


	3. the sharpshooter and the sweeper

Jesper making his way downtown, going just so fast that he wasn’t running. He was wearing his usual bright gold and green coat which didn’t go well with his clouded face at the moment. He was on his way from the Crow Club, from a very irritating conversation with Kaz. Jesper just didn’t get it. First, the man sends for him, disturbing him from a lovely breakfast with Wylan and then when he gets there, he doesn’t say anything of a value. Not that Jesper expected Kaz to confess his feelings or even give him a compliment, but he expected there would be at least a point to their conversation. But no, Kaz just stared at him for a while, then started mumbling something about the new City Watch and then basically kicked him out for saying that that pall Reg wasn’t such a bad guy for a cop. Jesper scoffed. King of the  Barrel, ha!  _ A  drama queen,  _ that’s what he was.

Jesper turned the corner, and was about to cross the road, passing an old sweeper, just as he heard loud yelling and rattle of a carriage running down the street, pulled by two enraged horses.  Without thinking, he jumped to the side, pulling the sweeper who was about to be run over as well. The boy hit the ground and the world became dark around him for a moment. When he came back to his senses, he stood up and spun around to shout at the irresponsible carriage owner, but the carriage was already gone. There were only two people on the street, he didn’t notice before, both of them staring at him as if they had seen a ghost.

“Where the hell, did it go?” Jesper turned to them, but before he felt someone pulling on his trousers.

“If you were so kind to push me down, you might as well pull me up,” the old sweeper commented.

“Oh, no need to thank me,” Jesper rolled his eyes but helped the man to his feet. And continued on his way, ignoring the odd stares.

The air got colder. Jesper shivered in his coat and looked up to see the steel-grey sky hovering over him. Where had those clouds come from?

In a few moments, it started to rain. Jesper swore to himself, looking for shelter. Somewhere there should be that lovely pub. Right he- And it wasn't there. Jesper stopped in his tracks and frowned, where the hell did it disappear?

He didn’t really have time to search for an answer, because the shower quickly turned into full buckets of water dripping from the sky. In a moment he could even see what was in front of him, water getting in his eyes and obscuring his sight. Cursing under his breath, Jesper turned to a side alley sheltered from the rain by some wooden desks. It wasn’t much,  but still better than the rain and at least it wasn’t windy there.

He sat down on an empty barrel, shaking his head to get rid of the water when he heard a voice coming from inside the alley.

“Well, look at it boys, someone decided he can just waltz into our territory.”

Jesper looked up.

There were three guys standing on the other ending of the shelter, two of them carrying around bats and one with two long knives. When he looked to the entrance to the street he had come from, he could see another four of them, standing there with their weapons drawn. Jesper frowned. What was their problem? This place was the territory of Dregs. Were they new? But still...

“Chill, buddy. I’m one of you,” he rolled his sleeve to show him the tattoo of a crow. The leader didn’t look impressed.

“What is that stupid tattoo supposed to prove?”

So they didn't belong to the Dregs. Jesper’s eyes narrowed as his hands slowly moved to his guns. These idiots had no idea who they were playing with, did they?

“Hey, cut it!” a familiar voice came from the inside of the alley. All the thugs including Jesper looked that way.

Hiding under a cape was Kaz, Jesper realized about five seconds later than he should have.

The others did not, however.

“What did you say, brat?” one of the men with bats growled at the newcomer.

“This is a public street,” Kaz replied. Jesper frowned. Something was off about his clothing and voice. Was he undercover or something?

“That man has the right to be here. Normally, I wouldn’t step in, but I want to hide here from the rain as well.”

“Oh, really?” the bat-man raised an eyebrow along with his bat.

“Did you not understand what I was saying?” Kaz replied and pulled down his cape.

At that moment everything became a fast blur, but Jesper realized two things. A.  Kaz had a different hairstyle. B. he should have definitely be able to dodge that punch.  Instead of dodging, the most-probably-not-Kaz received the punch, swung across the alley and hit the wall. The two guys with bats cracked a vicious smile and were about to attack him, but in the next moment, one of them fell to the ground, groaning. The other turned around,  surprised. The next moment dropped to the ground with blood pourign from the back of his head. The two knives attacked Jesper from the back, but the gunslinger dodged the first attack and caught the man’s arm. He twisted it, making the man swear in Kaelish and then kicked him flying into the open arms of his companion. A roar came from behind his back, but as he whirled around, a pair of hands grabbed him from behind.

“Got you,” grinned the leader.  In the corner of his vision, Jesper could see more men approaching. Fuck. He lowered himself and then jumped a bit, hitting his captor‘s chin. The thug loosened his grip. Jasper freed himself leaped as far from him as he could. Another knife appeared out of nowhere.  It grazed his side when, the not-really-Kaz jumped in, kicking the weapon away. For a moment the thugs stilled, just watching the two men. Jesper glanced around. There were at least ten of them now. No cover and no escape route. Suddenly, Jesper felt a pull on his hand. The Kaz-wannabe grabbed his hand and pulled him to the side. The closest gangster charged at them, but Jesper dodged his attack and somehow managed to push him at the other thugs. That got them a few seconds and the duo ran off the alley, straight into the next alley.

****

Jesper was taken aback at first. Granted, Kaz seemed to wear his gloves less and less these days, but to deliberately grab on someone without the goal of snapping his neck? But if this guy wasn’t Kaz, why the heck did he look like him? Was this a work of Grisha? Jesper didn’t have time to ponder on the thought though as he could hear the thugs approaching them again and he could see that the Kaz-if-you-squint had really no idea where they were going. Jesper decided to take the lead. He adjusted his hand and pulled the other man to the side, closer to the canal.

“Hey, where are we going?” the If-Not-Kaz-ThenWho shouted. Jesper grinned at him,  dragging him down the street.

“Just trust me!”

They turned to the left. The bridge appeared in front of them along with a promise of safety. If Jesper remembered correctly, this old punk always had a boat tied right under the bridge. It was well hidden.  The thugs would thing they had jumped to the canal…

Jesper grabbed the railing and swung himself over along with the not-really-Kaz. And the boat wasn't there.

Ice cold water closed above their heads and Jesper panicked for a moment. He quickly swam towards the surface and managed to drag the sputtering and coughing not-Kaz under the bridge, where they wouldn’t be seen from the ground just as their pursuers made their way to the bridge.

They stayed there as the thugs bickered about where they had gone off to and only then did they start swimming towards the closest ladder to climb up.

“I don’t think that last part was necessary, but thank you,” the not-Kaz said when they finally stood on the ground, shivering.

Jesper shrugged, checking the state of his poor coat.

“In my defense, there was supposed to be a boat.”

_ Shit, and it was his new favorite… _

He looked up when he realized the other man was laughing.

Now he definitely knew this wasn’t Kaz. 

Granted, he had seen Kaz making…   _ amused _ expressions. He had seen that vicious grin when Kaz revealed his master plan, or that sarcastic laughter when someone thought they were ahead of him and they weren’t, and of course, there was that satisfied, almost blissful expression when Kaz got his kruge. But Kaz never laughed like this. Honestly, it was odd to see this sort of simple innocent smile of a face like Kaz’s.

“Sorry, I didn’t even introduce myself,” the not-Kaz said and stretched out his hand to Jesper.

“Jordan Johannus Rietveld, at your service.”  ****  
** **

Jesper blinked. Where had he heard that name? Wasn’t it during that heist… Suddenly he realized he was staring at Jordan for too long and finally shook his hand.

“Jesper Fahey. Likewise,” he added with a wink.

Jordan blushed and then took another look at their drenched attire.

“Common, we should get somewhere to dry off. I live in a hotel not far from here. There’s a pretty good restaurant right below it.”

Jesper’s face brightened.

“That’s a great idea. I missed the breakfast because of one douchebag anyways!”

Jordie raised an eyebrow.

“Alright. But you know, it’s already past noon.”

Jesper made a face.

“In that case, I haven’t eaten all day. Let’s go”

****

As they sat down behind the table, Jesper had to admit Jordan was right. It was a nice place. Odd  that he had never heard of it. Not that it was the weirdest thing  to happen that day. Maybe he had hit his head too hard.

“You look off,”  Jordan commented when they ordered.

Jesper blinked, thrown off his train of thoughts.

“Oh, sorry, rough day,” he managed to get out a weak smile, “Anyways, how long have you lived here?”

“About half a year or so,” Jordan confessed.

“Really? Strange I ‘ve never noticed you,” Jesper commented.

Jordan shrugged .

“There are many people in this city.”

“But I mean with a face like that?”

Jordie frowned and lifted one hand to his face as if to check it.

“What’s wrong with it?”

Jesper shrugged.

“Nothing really. You just kind look like Kaz Brekker?  Had no one ever told you that?”

Now, Jordan looked really perplexed.

“Who’s that?”

“Leader of the Dregs.The Bastard of The Barrel, King of the Crows?” Jesper suggested.

Jordan shook his heas.

“No idea. Is he important?“

“Just the biggest crime lord in the history of Ketterdam?” Jesper noted sarcastically. Jordan looked like a goody two shoes, but still, everyone in Ketterdam knew who Kaz was.

“Never heard of him,” Jordan replied, “Sorry.”

“That’s nothing to be sorry about,” Jesper dismissed his worries, “He’s perfectly handsome. And as such,  so are you. But you might wanna train how to fight a bit. There are a lot of people, who would like to kick Kaz’s butt and are dumb enough to mistake you for him.”

Jordan raised an eyebrow.

“Luckily, nothing like that happened so far. Well,  except for those guys right now. ”

“Really?” Jesper blurted out. That was weird.

Jordan noticed Jesper’s confused expression and laughed again.

“You really look like a funny guy. Anyways, I should go upstairs to see so my

little brother wouldn’t worry where I am. I’ll be right back.

He stood,  about to take his leave.

“You have a little brother?” Jesper asked. Jordan nodded.

“Yeah, funny, now I think of it, his name is also-”

“Jordie!” a high-pitched accusatory voice made the man stop talking and turn around.

“Heey, I was just talking about you,” he smiled and leaned to the newcomer.

“Jesper meet my brother Kaz.”

Jesper froze in the place.

Next to Jordan stood a little boy. He looked a lot like his brother, with large brown eyes and a bit too sharp face features he had yet to grow into. In his left wrist, he was clutching a red ribbon,  in the right, a story book.

Finally, the pieces in Jesper’s head clicked together.

He stood up, right at the moment when the waitress brought their order,  bumping into her.

“What year is it?” he shouted at her, almost making her drop the plate. She still answered, startled and the year echoed in Jesper’s mind, like in a cave. He took a step back. That wasn't the right year. He looked back at Jordie and Kaz now hiding behind his brother's back. That explained it. The reason why there weren’t places he used to know, and the reason why those thugs attacked them as if they didn’t know he belonged to the Dregs. The reason he had never heard of this place, the reason people didn’t seem to hear about Kaz…  Jesper looked around trying to find something familiar when he caught a glimpse a sweeper outside. His sweeper!

“Excuse me,” Jesper dropped a handful of kruge on the table and rushed to the door. In the door, he collided with a rich looking businessman. He slipped past him and ended up in the middle of the street. He reached his hand towards the sweeper when his surroundings changed again. The street filled with people,  much more than before and the sweeper got lost in the crowd. Jesper whirled around and tried to go back to the restaurant, but the building was gone, replaced with a new one. Was it a dream? No, his clothes were still damp. He turned around again and almost ran into a tall man in the uniform of the City Watch.

“Mr. Fahey!” Captain Carrots announced cheerfully, "I've finally found you, You’ve been missing for two whole days.”

Jesper blinked at the tall Guard.

“I was?”

“Yes,” Captain Carrots nodded but then his tone became more serious.

“You need to come with me. It concerns your friend.”

********  
  
  


Lu-Tze stopped sweeping for a moment and looked back at the tall Zemeni and even taller dwarf disappearing in the crowd. Then he picked his broom and moved to the next alley - and another dimension.

Sometimes, a boulder gets a chance to see what would happen if it rolled elsewhere. However, a monk knowing the Way and the Time himself gets this chance much more often.

It was snowing in Ankh-Morpork. A nice snowy Hogswatch.

****

In a small room illuminated only by a cheap candle, a young Omnian soldier was sitting alone. All of the other soldiers went to the city to celebrate the Hogswatch. He was frowning - maybe, because he disagreed with celebrating the pagan festival, maybe because of a lock of blonde hair that always got in his eyes, no matter how often he tucked it behind his ear. Maybe it was because of the poor light. Maybe, it was because of the book he was reading. Reverend Mightily Oats was one of the most renowned clerks of his generation. The blonde soldier whose name was Mightiest-Is-Om-My-God (Matt for short) had been given Oats’ latest book about witches by brother Thou-shalt-not-spread-blasphemy (Tom). Most of the stuff Reverend Oats wrote was the complete opposite of what Matthias had been taught by his grandmother. The book said they were good -  and not just as a burning material. The author praised their intelligence and diligence, devotion to their job… The blonde soldier closed his eyes and sighed, lying down on his bed. What would reverend thought if he saw that witch Matthias got into an argument with this morning?

****

Meanwhile, the witch in question was excitedly describing the quarrel in question to her housekeeper Mrs. Cake while stuffing herself with waffles. So much drama! She really didn’t expect such blokes to live here! And the way he addressed her - like she had committed a grave crime! She was just tending his friend's leg. And flirting with him a bit, of course. Which religion considered that a crime? An uptight religious prick! Nina came from countries around the Ramtops where religions weren’t so fancied -  especially not those making point of burning people with pointy hats. Nina was a witch, albeit a runaway one and she was damn proud of it. But the attitude of that guy - what was his name? Mighty… Mattias.. Or something. But you should have heard him! Women doing this kind of thing should be illegal.  _ Well,  you being as dumb as you are tall must be illegal too! _ Is it illegal? She should ask Inej when she returns from the shift.. _. Anyways he was so lucky he was handsome, otherwise she would… _

Mrs. Cake only nodded and from time to time commented on things Nina hadn’t said yet. She could see the great magical talent the girl had - she was one of the most talented witch apprentices before she decided to ditch that. She had beauty and brains too -  if only she used it for more than flirting and arguing with religious soldiers.

********  
  


Around the same time, a certain group of religious soldiers was engrossed in a rather non-religious activity (but then again, how religious it was depended on what deity you worship), more specifically drinking, playing cards and threatening to beat up a student of the Unseen University, who came down to the city to gamble. The tall dark-skinned boy, however, didn’t seem to be intimidated by the group of strong muscly men. Back home at Fourecks, he was the youngest of eight sons and, according to his parents, the most hyperactive one. The other people - his brothers, villagers,  fathers of his last night - err - acquaintances, his professors on the University etc. - called him much worse things than that, usually while chasing him around with pitchforks, torches or snakes in hands. He was the master of impossible escapes and dirty tricks. It was this terrible reputation of his that got him into the exchange program between FourEcks’ University and the Unseen University in the first place. Of course, everyone talked about internship and how important it was to maintain a good relationship between two sisterly universities… yada-dada-daa. Jesper knew better why they sent him off. Not that he complained, oh no. Ankh-Morpork was the most awesome city he has ever been to. That vibrant pot of cultures, humans, dwarves, trolls, golems, ghouls and the undead alone was almost as intoxicating as playing for keeps (and pissing off the Librarian).  He glanced at the other players and a satisfied grin spread on his face. Almost.

****

 

Not everyone was enjoying themselves as much as the Fourecks magician did that night. In another pub of similar quality to that where the magic student was sitting, there was a desperate heir of the Eck estate crouching over a glass of beer trying to keep his head as low as possible with only one idea whirling in his mind.

_ WhatamIdoingWhatamIdoingwhatamIdoing? _

Did his father care a bit more about him, he would have been home like most of his classmates were. Had he had more brains, he would have stayed in the dormitory. Yeah, the guy from the other room was weird, but he didn’t have to talk to him. He could sit down with his experiments, make a bottle or two of homemade gin, some explosives… A bottle flew right above his head, apparently still attached to Smaller-that-Medium-Sized-Yam-Yam. He gave out an exasperated sigh.

It wasn’t that he disliked Feegles. From a certain point of view, they were his family - a much better family than his own family ever had been. They accepted him despite being weak and being a bigjob from a snobbish family that most probably at some point of history had destroyed at least one Feegle hill. They didn’t judge him for having problems with reading and writing -actually it seemed they almost admired him for the way he struggled with letters. And also for his ability to mix dangerous chemicals. In Feegles eyes, that was one of the most admirable qualities anyone could have. All in all, they were nice to him - in their own way  - and even when they caused him problems it was never intentional. When he had to leave the all-boys school for young gentlemen in Quirm, a few of them swore to protect him and followed him to the big Wahoonie. Back then, it seemed like a nice gesture - even a form of redemption for indirectly causing his exclusion from the school. _Back then_ , Wylan didn’t realize how many bars there were in Ankh-Morpork.

When an ax hit the wall an inch away from his nose Wylan threw a small smoke bomb back and snuck under the table with his bear. He just hoped this would be over soon.

****

Unbeknownst to him, it was about to be over very soon, as someone had already informed the Guards, and almost every officer on duty was on their way to the Vine Grape.

The only ones spared of participating in the following catastrophe were the two newest additions to the City watch who were making their first Hogswatch round around the city. The newbies unsurely moped behind their supervising officer - a girl with black hair, who was almost half the size of one of them and one-tenth the age of the other one, but still walked with the steadiness those two still lacked. After all, she had been a part of the watch for almost two years and before that she was a member - or more like a slave - of a criminal group operating in the Shades. She knew every brick in the city. Or so the rumors said. Not that they stopped there.

“Do you think it’s true?” the zombie officer asked the troll by her side.

“What?” the troll replied.

“That she’s working for _ Vetinari.” _

“All the officers work for him.”

“No! We work for the city.”

“And Vetinari works for the city too. Or so I was told.”

“You just don’t get it,” the zombie threw her hands in the air - not literally - but she didn’t give up just yet.

“I heard she’s going after those who had managed to bribe the judges and escape prison and she then kills them, slicing their necks open.”

The troll looked down on her. It was cold, so his mental processes worked faster than the usual, but he still couldn’t comprehend why did humans -  or ex-humans for that matter - feel the need to gossip so much.

“If she is, they deserve it, don’t ya think,” he said, at last, hoping to end the conversation.

The zombie opened her mouth to protest when she felt a slight nudge from behind. She jumped forward, screeching, scaring the troll as well.

“You two are falling behind too much,” Inej smiled at her playing with her short knife. Most of the Guards had swords, but she preferred knives - much more practical.

She glanced at their surprised faces.

“Look, I’m not saying you should try to make the round as fast as possible, but if you are going to ignore your surroundings and just chit-chat, you might as well run all the way to the Broken Crescents with your eyes closed,” she sighed and then again she was five meters ahead of them.

“Freaky,” the zombie breathed out, but she and the troll followed the officer before they could lose her in another dark alley.

Inej only shook her head. She was used to these rumors by now. They were like a coat protecting her.

She looked up, breathing in the cold air. They were just passing under the Assassins Guild.  Almost all of the windows belonging to the rooms of students were black and lifeless. Young assassins either had gone home or celebrated Hogswatch in a bar or on a really expensive party. There was only one exception. The window belonging to Kaz, the Duke of Sto Helit.

Kaz didn’t celebrate Hogswatch. He commemorated it, yes.

It was the day he and his brother were hiding under the bridge because they had no place to stay.

It was the day even Ankh froze up. Kaz recalled someone even made an attempt to skate on the frozen river.

It was the day his brother died.

It was the day, he met Death face to face.

And it was the day he got a new family.

Kaz leaned back on his chair and her s eyes drifted at his cloak hanging in the closet.  The cloak was black with the family crest embroiled on the left side of the chest. The image was simple - a black hourglass and two scythes set in a black field. And below that the family motto.

NON TIMETUS MESSOR.

_ Don’t fear the reaper. _

When Kaz asked the old man - he refused to call that creature his grandfather, and no one was forcing him -  why he hadn’t saved Jordie too the old man replied that there were different circumstances for each of them. Kaz still had a chance to live, but Jordie was already gone. Death could have brought him back as immortal, but Jordie didn’t want that. Kaz shook his head with bitter disappointment. It was just like with his adoptive parents. Why was everyone around him so foolish? Choosing humanity over immortality!

A tapping on the window woke him up. He looked up. There was a raven sitting on the window sill trying to get in. Kaz opened the window and the raven flew in, setting down on the armrest of his chair.

“I’ve been knocking for fifteen minutes!” he complained and shook the snow off his head.

“You can wait for another thirty if you’re going to mess up my room,” the young assassin replied.

“What do you want here? And why did you come with him?” he motioned towards the rat skeleton that climbed down the raven's back and up on the desk.

“Death wants to see you,” the raven Quoth croaked looking around the room.

“Now, do you have eyes or not?”

Kaz raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I would have some?”

“Yes?” the raven tried.

Kaz gave up and pulled a small glass bottle from the bottom drawer of his desk.

“What does he want from me?” he asked as he opened it. Quoth jumped on the edge of the bottle and started pulling out the eyes.

“To wish you happy birthday. Oh by Blind Io, this is so ummmhhghgh!”

“Great,” the boy noted drily doing his best not to look too disgusted - and failing, ”tell him not to worry about me.”

The Death of Rats climbed on the pile of books on Kaz’s desk and turned to him.

“SQUEAK?”

“What about Susan? Are you in touch with her?” the raven translated. Kaz frowned at the little skeleton.

“That’s none of your business.”

“SQEAK!”

“That’s rude, Kaz.”

“You’re the one to speak.”

****

Lu-Tze watched the boy bicker with the raven when a familiar voice spoke up.

“This is one of the worst realities for me.”

The old monk turned around to see the Time here myself, dressed in dark robes made of the midnight sky. In one hand he held a cup of tea with a nice slice of yak butter melting in the hot liquid.

“Really?” Lu-Tze took the cup.

“It’s because of that kid,” Time/Lobsang motioned towards Kaz.

“Miss Susan’s adoptive brother, I take it, ”Lu-Tze noted and took a sip from his tea. He nodded in agreement. Nothing beats the taste of fresh yak butter from six hundred years ago.

Time/Lobsang shrugged.

“Susan actually got him as a gift one Hogswatch. Apparently, her grandfather took her to wish for a little brother a bit too literally.”

Lu-Tze took another sip silently nodding.

Time/Lobsang sighed.

“It's not like he's a bad kid - actually he kinda is - but he's just… extremely overprotective. Just me speaking to his sister is a good enough reason for him to cut me up to dog food.”

He shook his head.

“You should have seen what he did when we first met.”

Lu-Tze finished his tea.

“To quote the ancient wisdom: “It won't get better if you pick at it",” he said at last and gave the cup back to his former apprentice.

“It was nice of you to remember your old master, but I should go now.”

Lobsang/Time smiled at him guiltily and the cup vanished in the void.

“Yes. Take care, Lu-Tze.”

Then he disappeared - the Ankh-Morpork as well.

The ancient time monk turned behind the corner and returned to the mission he had come to fulfill in Ketterdam in the first place  - sweeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Several headcanons here:  
> Kaz especially dislikes zombies - for quite obvious reasons. Poor Reg, it's not his fault.  
> In the au:  
> Matthias is a follower of Om. He was raised by his uptight grandmother - hence his opinions on witches. He's mending though.  
> Nina and Inej both live at Mrs. Cake's place and they're good friends - cause why not.  
> Nina also works for Seamstresses as a doctor - from time to time. Otherwise, she has a little witch shop. She's also quite friendly with the undead society.  
> Inej abducted from her family while they were traveling around the Circle Sea as an artist group.  
> She was not a sex worker - the gang that kidnapped her was destroyed by the City Watch before they sell her as one, but she was mistreated and abused more Vin-(Mistborn)-style. She became a police officer because she felt indebted to the City Watch and also liked the idea there was justice. Her founding or not founding her family after being freed is something I didn't clarify - maybe if I ever use this au as a setting for a longer story I would do that.  
> Jesper is the best friend with Librarian, despite returning the books he borrows way too late- bananas help. He's also a frequent resident of the cells of the City Watch due to his pickpocketing and gambling - that's how he became acquainted with Inej and Nina.  
> During his first year on college for young gentlemen - let's pretend there's something like that in Quirm - Wylan encountered Feegles and they adopted him. (Partially, because when he saw them stealing cutlery form the dining hall, he didn't tell on them and partially due to all his abilities and disabilities - it also might have something to do with Kelda looking into his mind, finding some weird and sad stuff about his mom)  
> Kaz is Susan's adopted brother and though he may act aloof, he is overprotective over her, much to her irritation. Some people call him young Vetinari. He doesn't argue.  
> Jordie dying on the Christmas eve is monica_taylor's headcanon that I accepted and borrowed. Thanks for that and thanks for proofreading these two chapters for me :).  
> I didn't include Kuwei - sorry, I was too lazy, and he's probably locked up with his dad and Leonardo da Quirm in some nice but highly secured place anyways.


	4. Death, Food and Poor Decision Making

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when in doubt, when in struggle, write a SoC/Discworld crossover.  
> That should be my new motto, honestly.

The main hall of the Unseen University was flooded with guests. Magicians, aristocrats and guild masters - the highest of the high, the lowest of the low. And in the middle of that pot of chatter, laughter,  and enemy glances was the young Wylan Van Eck seriously second-guessing his life choices. Or to be more precise,  second-guessing if he ever had _made_ a life choice. So far,  his resume looked rather poorly. None of the decisions he had made since and including his birth seemed to be his own. Everything was decided by his father - his education,  people who he spent time with,  places he had visited. His only major decision seemed to be when he had covered for Feegles that one time on the college for the young gentlemen. Keeping that in mind,  he was quite doubtful he was even any good at making decisions at all. 

He looked around the busy hall. Even him being here wasn’t actually his choice when he thought about it. But the Guild insisted on sending some of their students here to represent (and to piss off Vimes who pushed forward a rule about not more than two assassins-in-training showing off on similiar occassions). That actually wouldn’t be such a problem. Wylan came from a family which was rich but hardly as noble or influential as most of his classmates. He most surely wasn’t expected to be the one to go. And he wasn’t - Kaz “Brekker” of Sto Helit was the one chosen in the end by the giuld master. And he, for some bizarre reason picked him as another student. Him. As in _Wylan_. The small average Wylan with his social anxiety. No one seemed to get it,  except Wylan himself. The boy had a pretty clear image of what was going on. Kaz was just trying to find an opening to kill him. It might come out as a surprise as to how calm Wylan was about the whole thing. But believe me -  there is only that many times one can find poison in his morning tea or have a masked figure trying to attack him from behind before he realizes there’s a warranty on his head. The attack themselves didn’t bother the boy that much.  He knew it was nothing personal and all of the attacks so far had been spoiled by either his keen nose for chemicals or some dumb accident that involved blue drunk picties in some way. What worried him more was Kaz. He looked around to see the young Duke talking with lord Rust. He had to give it to Kaz, he chose a different approach from his classmates. Wylan was certain the older assassin in training had never gone for a direct kill. Instead, he acted… sort of… kindly...? Well, not necessarily kindly or friendly, but protective.  He seemed to be always around Wylan. A few times he gave Wylan some food when the other boys stole it (not that Wylan needed it as the Feegles were bringing him food as well), he was borrowing him his books, and even offered to help Wylan with his training. He was circling around him like a vulture circles around its prey. Wylan shrugged. There were worse ways to die, honestly. Kaz would at least go for a clean kill with him.

He turned around, looking for something to drink when he noticed a young dark-skinned magician. His heart skipped a beat.

_No, no, no, nonono…_

He turned back.

_What was_ he _doing here?_

Well, he’s a student here, you idiot!

Wylan slapped himself.

_Waily!_

He met Jesper about a month ago. The boy infatuated him almost instantly. The carefree smile, cocky laugh, the way he looked at him… It would have been an absolutely perfect moment if Wylan hadn’t start mumbling like an idiot the moment he noticed him. And even then it would have been wonderful - if it hadn’t been for the fact, that they were on the police station, and Wylan was just negotiating with Sergeant Angua about the release of fifteen Feegles in the cell next to Jesper’s. And even then, it would have been at least passable if Feegles hadn’t started making stupid comments.

Wylan sighed. He just hoped the floor would open and swallow him whole. This was bad, terrible, awful…

He dared to throw a sidelong glance in Jesper’s general direction. The FourX-man just said goodbye to the friend he had been talking to and was now walking in Wylan’s general direction. Well, crap.

Wylan looked around frantically. He needed something to make himself look busy.

Hell, if he could just start talking to someone…  He sought for Kaz, but the other assassin just waltzed off to the further side of the hall… Great. What was he supposed to do, now? _Think Wylan._

His salvation came in form of a ham plate stealthily moving towards the back of the room. He sighed with relief. Feegles promised him not to come here. Who else could it be but them?

Being as inconspicuous as he could manage, he went to follow the plate through the hall to a small wooden door, half hidden behind a large colourful tapestry. When the plate got to it, the door became slightly ajar and the plate vanished in the darkness. Wylan stopped beside the door and looked around. No one was paying attention, luckily. He slowly put his hand on the handle.

“What are you doing?” a female voice came from behind his back. Wylan whirled around with a muffled yelp.  

In front of him stood a woman,  maybe a few years younger than him. Her figure and elegant fiery red dress reminded him of Lady Sybil if she was a bit younger and hadn’t spent as many times around dragons. Her face screamed only one word, however -  a witch.  
He opened his mouth to reply,  but then closed it.

“Well?” she asked a brow dangerously raised at him.

  
The door behind Wylan creaked slightly.

“Leave him, yer hag,” High Josh climbed up on Wylan’s shoulder, placing one hand on his cloak protectively. “He’s one of us.”

The woman crossed her hands, raising her brow in doubt.

“So this is the Wee Bigjob you talked about huh?”

“You know each other?” Wylan asked the Feegle.

High Josh nodded.

“Aye. ‘tis hag saved our asses, back when.. Eee….” he stopped abruptly as if he remembered this was something Wyal was not supposed to know about.

“What are you talking about?” Wylan tensed.

The witch looked at him, then back at the Feegle and a devilish smirk appeared on her face.

“Well, you see...” she started with a sly smile.

* * *

A few feet apart,  Kaz was also contemplating on his life choices. That sort of thing is to be expected when you see the personification of Death with a half-filled plate right next to tables with food.

“What are you doing here?” the young assassin hissed at the cloaked figure,  hoping no one noticed him.

Death looked at him with a smile.

“OH,  HELLO,  KAZ. HOW IS YOUR EVENING?”

“Going to hell since I spotted you, “ the boy replied. “What do you want here?”

 

“ OH, I’M SPLENDID,” Death replied without skipping a beat. “ JUST ON A SMALL BUSINESS TRIP. I MUST SAY, THESE EGG ROLLS ARE FANTASTIC.”

“A business trip?” Kaz narrowed his eyes scanning the hall. On an event like this,, there were plenty of possible targets and only a bit smaller number of potential attackers. But there was this rule, everyone, even Kaz, respected and that was no murders on these kinds of events, not to mention on the highly magical ground of the University. Hell if that wasn’t enough,  Stoneface Vimes and his minions were here. Kaz’s eyes stopped at a small (for a human) officer standing next to Sergeant Angua. There was something unnerving about that girl. Perhaps,  it was the way she tried to blend in with the surroundings that made his gaze move to her again and again. 

“No one is supposed to be killed on this occasion,” slipped from his lips.

“NO, BUT ACCIDENTS HAPPEN,” Death assured him.

“UNFORTUNATELY NO ONE SEEMED TO BOTHER WITH INFORMING THE GUESTS THERE WAS SHRIMP IN THE EGG ROLLS. “

Kaz frowned. Who has an allergy to shrimps...? Fuck! _Wylan!_

Kaz looked around frantically, trying to find the boy. He knew he shouldn’t have let him go off. Fuck.

A sound of shattered plate brought him back to reality. He glanced in the direction of the sound to notice the rustle in a group of Omnians, standing not too far from him. They looked worried, hovering over a small priest that gasping for breath in the middle. Death put his plate down and a scythe materialized in his cold hand.

“tHAT’S MY CUE I BELIEVE. WELL, HAVE A NICE REST OF THE EVENING,” he turned to Kaz and marched to the Omnians.

In the meantime, people around started noticing something was off and a small crowd quickly formed around the priest and his companions, covering Kaz’s view. The boy cursed under his breath and moved closer, trying to figure out how to get through the masses of people without touching anyone. People were annoyingly pushy. Rarely any of them looked worried, more like they were anticipating a show.

“Oh, dear!”

“What happened?”

“Is there a doctor here?”

Kaz frowned. He hated to do that, but he closed his eyes and in an instant people started moving out of his way. He shook his head, marching through the crowd right through the crime scene.

”Passing through,” a small voice murmured as someone brushed against his shoulder. He shrudded involuntarily upon the touch. It was the small cop - Inej. she passed him and ran got straight to the priest, half lying on the ground red like a beetroot.

“He needs a doctor,” she said to the large blonde supporting him from the other side.

“Head of Doctor Guild called off sick today...”

“Lady Sybil had already gone home...”

The Sergeant looked up at the young FourX wizard standing close to her.

“Jes, Nina’s still here?”

The boy nodded.

“I'll bring her in a minute, baby.” He started making his way through the crowd. "People, move, I have an important mission! Nina! Hey Nina!”

* * *

“Well, that’s all basically,” Nina finished her story.

Wylan groaned. Crivens! How was he supposed to look any seamstress into the eye now? _Could this evening get any worse?_

It could And it did. The wizard care-free smile dream boy making his way to them and there were no more ham plates to save him.

< “Nina!”

The witch turned around. So she knows him too?

“Jesper, what is it?”

“They need your help back there,” he pointed at a small crowd that formed at the other side of the hall. “That Omnian priest! He’s kinda suffocating back there.”

 

Nina rolled her eyes and started moving towards the crowd.

“Are there no other doctors here?”

Jesper grimaced.

“Only wizards, babe. And we’re worth shit.”

He smirked at Wylan.

“Well, not in all categories, if you know what I mean...”

Wylan felt the blood rushing into his cheeks.

“Well, who looks like they’re out of breath now?” Jesper laughed before turning to the crowd. “Move it, guys! Someone who actually knows how to save a life is here!”

People staring moving away, not very willingly. Nina got to the Omnians and kneeled beside the priest, who started turning into an ugly shade of purple.

“You, get out of here!” she shouted with determination at someone above her.

The blonde Omnian supporting the man huffed angrily to protest.

“I won’t leave him!”

Nina looked at him as if she just noticed his presence.

“Not you,” she murmured with a frown.

Wylan stood a few steps back watching the whole situation with a worried frown.

“You assassins, don’t have a day of rest huh?” Jesper joked. Wylan shook his head. This wasn't food poisoning- at least not intentional. Next to the priest was a shattered plate with what looked like an egg roll.  Wylan could have guessed what went wrong now. He almost got himself killed too on one of his father’s parties when no one told him that the main course includes seafood. Wylan could still recall the panicky feeling as his airways shut down and the room started spinning around him. Luckily, one of the guests knew what was going on then and helped him, but he could still feel the desperation, _the fear…_

His hand slipped into an inner pocket on his cloak and clasped around a small vial.

Nina must have come to the same conclusion as he did, because after one look at the plate. she turned to the blonde.  
“Is he allergic to something?”

“Huh?” the man replied, ”Yes, yes! Shrimps!”

_Seafood._

The rest happened strangely fast.

Wylan pulled out a syringe and small flask. He could see in the corner of his eye, lord Venitari saying something to his secretary, but stopping when he noticed him filling the syringe and giving it to Nina. The witch quickly understood. She took the man’s hand and to angry protest of the blonde pushed the needle through the skin.

For long seconds nothing happened. Absolute silence. Then the priest’s eye shot open.  Wylan jumped backwards and bumped right into the young wizard. 

“Wow, that’s something,” Jesper grinned down on him. 

Wylan jolted away, his heart racing as fast as if it could literally run away from his chest, far, far away from this mess. He could hear people clapping and whispering to each other.

_That much for making inportant decisions. on his own_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For sake of plot, let's pretend Wylan has a seafood allergy. And knows about epinephrine treatment. And that this is how Feegles talk.  
> It's lame. I apologize. In my defense, my last braincell just shoot herself. Her name was Maggie.  
> In her regards, I thank you for reading this. It's what Maggie would have wanted. (Actually, Maggie wanted me to study, that's why she shoot herself.)  
> Rest in peace Maggie. You'll be missed.

**Author's Note:**

> This image (which you may or may not see, bcs a)my computer likes to sabotage me or b) I'm a klutz when it comes to computers) is the work of Monica_Tailor, not only drew it but also who also agreed to re-read, comment and correct the text above. (If you find some mistakes, it's most probably because of changes I made after she'd sent be back the corrected version).  
> The pic is lovely and thank you again, M!


End file.
